Part 1: How to start the healing process after

an affair - Frank Gunzburg PhD

 

"When Ray first told me about the affair, it blew my world apart. I loved this man more than anyone on earth. We built our lives together. He was the one.  When he told me he had been with another woman it was like he took all those years of love and tenderness, all the pain and difficulty we had born together and spat on them. I was literally sick to my stomach everytime I thought about the affair. There was this knot, like a heavy stone right in the middle of my belly that never seemed to go away and got heavier when even the slightest thought of Ray or the affair entered my mind. In the early days, immediately after I found out about the affair, I was coping with so many emotions I could hardly keep my head straight. There were days that I was blind with rage and all I wanted was for him to suffer the way that I had. I would try to take revenge on him by not talking to him or intentionally ignoring his requests. One time I actually called an old high school boyfriend hoping to make Ray as jealous as I was. Other days I was so anxious I thought I would go crazy. I tried to hold my anger in, terrified that if I told Ray how I felt I would drive him away forever. When the anxiety got too strong I would actually buy him little gifts or cook his favorite meals in the hope that I could keep him from leaving me. And there were a lot of days when I all I felt was sadness. Ray would go to work, the kids would go to school, and I would lock myself in the bedroom and just cry. I felt paralyzed. Some days I couldn't even manage to get out of bed. I felt completely alone and helpless. After this early, incredibly painful phase

passed, Ray and I made some attempts to rebuild our relationship. I tried to get Ray to show me that he was trustworthy again by setting strict boundaries and keeping me informed about what was going on in his day to day life. We tried talking about our relationship and what we could do to improve our life together. I tried to explain how I felt to Ray. Ray tried to explain how he felt to me. But none of it worked. It seemed like we tried everything under the sun, but every time we tried to work things out something went wrong. Everytime Ray promised to let me know where he was and failed I would be sure he was with the other woman. Everytime we talked about our relationship, it just reminded me of the affair and how it had destroyed what was the best part

of my life. Every attempt we made to rebuild our relationship ended in more pain and frustration.

Our emotions would rage and we would end up back in our personal corners feeling more divided and desperate than ever. I kept praying it was all some terrible nightmare, that I would wake up, and things would go back to the way they had been. I was terrified that the relationship we had worked so

long to build was over. What Ray and I needed was a plan. Something thatwould take us down a meaningful and sensiblepath to recovery." -Kathy Brown When you first learn that your spouse has had an affair it is completely devastating. In fact it's a crazy cocktail of anger, denial, grief and a complete loss of self-esteem. If you have been injured by an affair, especially if the news has hit you within the last few months, the pain you are feeling right now is probably unbearable.  But the truth is that you are not alone and there is hope for your relationship. The pain you feel right now, as immediate as it is, will not go on forever. What's more, there is a system that you can use to swing the

balance and put the possibility of rebuilding your relationship in your favor. But you can't wait too long to start. Why you ask?

 

 

To start healing from an affair you must realize this critical truth. In addition, the cheater

has to own what he has done starting today and realize that the affair is completely his fault.

(chapter 3 of my step-by-step system walks the cheater through the restoration process and helps them see what they have done through your eyes.)

 

 

10 Things You Need to Do in Order to Build the

Trust, Honesty and Safety Back into Your

Relationship

 

1. Shocking News: How to Manage Your Emotions

Here you will learn that there are 9 Shockwaves

that hit most people when they find out about an

affair, and you will learn how to deal with them

when you face them.

 

More importantly you will learn how important it

is for you to turn inward and cope with your own

emotions about the affair. I will introduce you

to the most common emotions people stuggle with

and will give you practical ways to overcome the

struggle.

 

Coping with your own emotions about the affair

puts you in a position to concetrate on what you

need out of your relationship and how you can

make that happen. Learning to look from within

can save your relationship.

 

2. Handling the Inner Struggle: How to Heal From

the Plague of Negative Thoughts

What most people don't know is that painful

emotions are usually driven by painful thinking.

This step guides you through a 3-part process

for overcoming your negative thinking. By

healing the negative thinking that underlines

your emotions you further free yourself from

their painful grip.

 

Many people struggle with painful visions of the

affair. In this part you will also learn how to

overcome those painful visions and free youself

from the reign they have over your daily life.

 

3. The Cheating Partner: How to Cope with Your

Emotions and Restore Trust with Your Partner

A relationship takes two people. That means that

the cheater needs to work through their issues

as well in order to completely heal your

relationship.

 

This section teaches the cheater not only how to

overcome the painful emotions they are stuggling

with, but how to permanently end the affair,

make the internal changes necessary to assure

another affair will never happen again, and how

to become totally transparent so that you can

begin to trust them again.

 

4. Why Does an Affair Start: Understanding Why

it Happened and What It's Going to Take to Heal

Most people wonder how an affair happens. They

ask questions like, "Why did this happen to me?"

or "How could my partner do this?" In this

section you will get answers to those questions.

You are also going to learn that in order to

heal your relationship You need to address the

10 Critical Dimensions of Your Relationship.

These 10 dimensions are the heart of every

relationship, and discovering what you need in

each dimension will give you the information you

need to make your relationship better than ever.

 

5. Preparing for Recovery: Steps for Moving

Towards Healing

Once you have completelyt explored your inner

world, learned how to cope with the negative

thoughts and feelings you are struggling with,

and discovered what you need out of your

relationship, it is time to come together with

your partner and move toward healing.

Here I will teach you how to "come into

agreement" with your parnter. This important

tool allows you to have a verbal cue you can use

each time there are specific issues in your

relationship you need to address. In this

section you will be guided on how to come into

agreement about your relationship so you can

move toward a better and brighter future

together.

 

6. Communicating Your Feelings: A Step-by-Step

Recipe for Talking

The real core of healing, and the platform for a

healthy relationship is communication.

Here you will learn an 8 Step Program for Better

than Ever Communication. This will allow you to

open up to one another in ways that you may have

never even considered possible.

 

7. Restoring the Trust: Learning How to Become

Totally Transparent

One question I hear all the time from clients

who have suffered the trauma you are facing

right now is "How do we get the trust back?"

This is a vitally important question, and you

need to know that there are ways you can

reestablish trust with your partner.

The best way to restore the trust in your

relationship is a concept I call "transparency."

Transparency is your ability to be completely,

conciously open and honest with your partner so

they don't even have to think or worry about

what you may or may not be doing.

This kind of honesty allows trust to flourish

again.

 

8. Rebuilding Your Life Together: How to Build a

Strong, Stable Relationship

There are 6 Pillars to a Stable Relationship and

here you will learn what they are and how you

can build these pillars into your relationship

so that you can have a stable foundation to

rebuild your relationship on.

 

One of the most important pillars is conflict

resolution. Relationships inevitably have

conflict. Knowing how to effectively resolve

these conflicts is one of the most powerful

tools you can acquire to establishing a life

long, wonderful relationship.

 

9. Accepting the Past and Moving on to a

Brighter Future: Learning to Accept the Affair

in Order to Move on with Your Life Together

One of the mistaken beliefs people who are

trying to heal from an affair hold is that the

inujured person has to forgive the cheater in

order to move on to a place of healing and hope.

This is not the case. And in this section I am

going to teach you a powerful alternative to

forgiving: acceptance. Accepting the past so

that you can move on with your life together is

a path you can take that doesn't require you to

forgive or forget, yet still allows you to heal

and move on.

 

10. Protecting Your Promise: The Relationship

Contract

The final step in the program is developing a

relationship contract. Here you take everything

you have learned in the program about what you

most want out of your relationship and you

develop a contract with your partner that

reflects these desires.

 

Dr. Frank Gunzburg